"Shut up, Mr. Burton. You are not put upon this earth to 'get it'."

Category: Uncategorized

Scenes from a marriage

Mrs: Apple is getting rid of real life stuff.

Mr: What are you talking about?

Mrs: You know how they design things in apps to look like things in real life?

Mr: You mean skeumorphism?

Mrs: Yeah. Apple is getting rid of that. They fired the guy who does it.

Mr: Good. People hate skeumorphism.

Mrs: I like it.

Mr: I don’t. Death to skeumorphism!



When fundamentalist Christians insist that God created us directly, they strike me as denigrating their own deity.

Assume that you believe in a God who wanted to create us. It has two ways of accomplishing it. It can point the omnipotent Finger and then… POOF! There’s a guy.

Or It can create the conditions allowing a primordial soup to accumulate, maybe apply the subtlest english of a nudge to create a single self-replicating organism, and then sit back and wait a few billion years while evolution does all its colorful stuff and eventually produces some Jews that provide a suitable vehicle to take the next Step.

Doesn’t the latter method seem far more stylish? A more imaginative filling in of the canvas of eternity?

The bald man dreams of hair

I had thick hair – several inches long. I worked in a strong Prell-like shampoo that quickly foamed. I felt the cleaning action along all of the strands. It felt wonderful.

Then I woke up.

Dreams are free, motherfucker

Last night I had a dream in which I sang KC and the Sunshine Band’s “I’m Your Boogie Man” to a woman I had loved in high school.

In the morning, I half expected to be served with a notice of copyright infringement.

Extraterrestrial intelligence

If there are alien civilizations more advanced than ours, we may be certain that they use their unimaginable technology to adore their domesticated species.

There are 200,000,000 cats in the world. I have the best one.

This is Jones.



She was named after a different Jones.


My Jones is the best cat in the world.

A bold claim! But look again.


I mean, holy shit. How fucking awesome is this cat?

But perhaps you demand additional proof. I have it.

When I lay down in bed at night, Jones comes into the bedroom, jumps up on the bed, and lays down next to me with our faces less than an inch apart – “breathing each into the other’s nostrils”*.

When I drifted awake at 2:30 AM this morning, I was laying on my back. Jones was settled in the crook of my arm.


Dream of Apollonia Kotero

She was doing an act in Vegas. Showbiz memories of the Purple Rain heyday. I arrived late and missed almost all of the first act. Shouldering my way to a seat at a front row table, the people next to me seemed offended by my having dressed sloppily.

The star joked about the contract she had signed with the producer. “He said you’re going to spend the next year in a red casket.” Referring to the confining bustier costume she was wearing.

The first act ended with professional colleagues from the past standing silently on stage behind her. This seemed about as low as you could go in show business. The group included Sean Penn and Sarah Silverman. After everyone left the stage for intermission, one of the audience members spoke with admiration of Penn’s sincere desire to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

The second act featured the star getting very up close and personal with one of the audience members. Luckily, she chose me. She was nude, laying on top of me, letting her breasts rest on my face.

As we filed out at the end of the show, I gave it an enthusiastic review. “You sure got more value for money than at the Suzanne Pleshette show.”